The Love Coach as I like to refer Melody Chadamoyo was our guest on this week’s #irishweddingchat Twitter Hour. Having met Melody a few years back in Galway at a #WIN Event. I knew that this week we were going to be in for a treat!

Melody shared some fantastic insights with us. Like toxic behaviours and planning a wedding while under COVID-19 restriction during our Q & A. Which as always we are sharing with you in our blog this week.

Q1: What is the most challenging thing for couples in the first 2 year’s marriage?

In most cases, we don’t know what we’re doing when we first get married. Because no one ever tells us what is expected of us.

In my case anyway, I didn’t know how to be a wife. I just assumed that what I was doing was being super-efficient, superwoman, super independent, doing everything myself. Not needing my husband to do anything was the best way.

I also expected him to just sit there and not contribute because my opinion was more important than his and I knew better. That caused us to get into a conflict stage.

I didn’t know that marriages go through stages, the first one which we all know about which is romantic/honeymoon stage. And, then the conflict stage couples get stuck here because they don’t know how to get themselves out of that situation. And, the blissful stage. Most couples never get too because they get stuck in the conflict stage.

Knowing that we were in a conflict stage. Knowing that it was a stage and it was going to pass helped me a great deal. It helped me to have a focus because I wanted to get to the other side. To the happy blissful side.

I looked for ways for me to get there with my husband because obviously being superwoman didn’t work. Thinking that I knew everything didn’t work. And, not needing my husband to contribute in any way except financially also didn’t work.

Waking up to that and knowing that I needed to create a partnership. Where what my husband was contributing verbally, emotionally financially was appreciated. Helped me to serve my marriage and helped us to move to the blissful stage.

Q2: 3 toxic things you can do during Lockdown that is bad for your relationship?

As couples spend a lot of time together they might do toxic things that might be bad for the relationship in the long run.

The first one is:

Criticism. It is blaming the other person for everything that might be wrong. When you begin sentences like you never or you always. It always makes your spouse feel unappreciated and they would probably start feeling self-conscious or feel like they are not giving enough to the relationship.

It never helps to be that person who is always criticising someone. In terms of men, when you say “you always”. They take it like whatever effort they have been making is washed away like it didn’t matter. So when you say some of these things. It means you are not appreciating the spouse that you’ve got. 

The 2nd one is:

Contempt which is criticism powered by hostility or disgust.

This is something a lot of people do; they just eye roll or they are sarcastic or they make their spouse continuously, incessantly.

We have seen this. It seems like it’s a joke. But, if you’re the one who’s at the brunt of the joke. It stops being funny.

You start feeling like someone doesn’t care about you and they don’t really respect you.

Your spouse says something and you say, here we go again and you roll your eyes and you say all these mean things.

Even if you don’t say mean things it is perceived as mean because of how they feel. You need to be aware that they might want to get out of COVID and get out of the relationship as well.

Because nobody wants to be in a situation where they are not loved and appreciated and respected.

The 3rd issue is:

Defensiveness. It is not taking responsibility for your contribution to the interaction.

You start noticing when you’re doing it. When you stop acknowledging what others are saying. They are telling you how they feel and might even tell you what you’re doing. And, you say “Yeah but”…you had done this first. Or, like you are the only one who has feelings the other person doesn’t.

This is not good.

It’s very toxic and it can cause a lot of resentment. Once you have resentment it is a signal of the beginning of the end of your relationship. So you don’t want resentment to fester in your relationship. You’ve got to start focusing on respecting, listening and understanding the other person. Not meaning to say they are right or wrong all the time but at least see them from their point of view.

Q3. What is the best advice you can give to a couple planning a wedding that was affected by social distancing?

I think sometimes we tend to take some of these things very seriously.

I do understand it, it’s frustrating. You’re planning something and you’re going somewhere. And it doesn’t quite go ahead because the government puts limitations of how many people can attend your wedding.

You also have to remember something, everyone is in this situation.

We’re all being curtailed for reasons of health and we have to understand that. A wedding day is just a day. Yes it takes a long time to plan, yes it takes a lot of commitment and a lot of action but it’s really just a day.

It is a day to celebrate your commitment to each other. You need to be aware of that. Maintain that commitment. You have an opportunity to ensure that you operate as a team.

If you develop coping mechanisms for dealing with strife. And, problems that come in life. It is actually good for you because life will happen after you’re married. A lot of things will go wrong sometimes. They might even go wrong on the wedding day. It’s how you cope with those things that are going to determine whether you survive as a couple or you won’t. 

And not just surviving, you will thrive and be happy.

I remember one of the biggest things that happened to me with my husband. I had several miscarriages. And, then we had a baby and she died.

How we coped with that was we were always a unit.

We were always together.

We functioned as one.

We understood that my pain even though it was different from his. He was also going through pain.

That is when you start negotiating and moving through life because life happens. If you can survive struggle and strife without turning on each other. Then you’re building something with a good foundation that will survive life. Things will happen and you have to be prepared.

This might be a bad situation. But it’s also a time you can use to see whether you need to work on some things in your relationship. Or, negotiate some things in your relationship. So, that you’re ready for real-life tomorrow. 

Q4: What can help new couples survive after Covid 19?

Focus on growing your love.

Practice kindness.

I know sometimes we don’t talk about that but love and kindness go hand in hand. When you start practising kindness intentionally, being kind to your spouse you find that your love will start to grow because that person will feel loved and appreciated.

Even when you’re feeling afraid, tense and uncertain about your future. At least, if you’re practising kindness it will help you to grow and help you to appreciate each other.

What you can do regularly is to list 3 things you’re grateful for every day for with spouse in mind.

Like…

What are the characteristics of who they are that make you feel like ooohh, I really like this person?

What attracted you to that person is something you should always appreciate.

I know after a while it starts being annoying but if you teach yourself to appreciate the person’s characteristics, their values, who they are.  You’ll find that your relationship will grow. You will thrive as a couple. And, everything will go beautifully.

Remember love always protects, and it always trusts, always hopes and always perseveres.

In perseverance. It means you’re persevering to make sure your relationship keeps growing, keeps maturing, keeps going to the next stage.

Remember, I told you there are 3 stages, they’re actually 4 but we don’t even talk about the 4th one because most people don’t get there.

You want to be that couple that gets to that stage. Do you really want to married for 56 years and be miserable? There’s no point in that.

You want to be married 56 years blissfully happy, blissfully together, growing together appreciating each other because that’s what matters.

I hope you enjoyed our time with the beautiful Melody Chadamoyo. We certainly did.

I’m always on the lookout for Guests for our community. Do you have something to offer? Maybe you are launching a book or course? Feel free to contact me and we’ll help you spread the word.